Reflections on the Dance ~ Life & Death

Invariably life brings it's beautiful partner death to the dance.

You're invited.

Sorry but there's no turning down this dance, nor is it a dance you want to turn down. Anyone in their "right" mind would be a fool to resist. Yet how often do we spend our precious time playing out the fools dreams, pretending that the fool in us knows best?

Without death's grace life's glory slips away into a fleeting void. Does it not? So why resist, avoid, deny, run and pretend that you know not what resides beyond your conventional grasp of life?

For those who've made it here to this web page for one reason or another here's a glimpse of the dance between life, death and this guy who happens to respond to the name Rob.

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My asthma strolled into my life like an old friend that you just know shouldn't be there. Familiar yes, somewhat known yet I know in my gut something's "off." This friend shouldn't be here right now. He wasn't invited. The look on his face confirms, something isn't quite right but I pretend not to know what.

I knew from the moment the subtle tightness set into my chest that something different was happening. Everything was the same, same old tightness, same old medicines, same old precautions, same old everything except for a nearly intangible felt sense that everything was different this time.

I immediately threw everything I had in my arsenal to continue the illusion that I was "OK." I chalked it up as I told myself and other's that I "just didn't want to spend my vacation struggling with my asthma." Looking back, I think I just wanted to avoid this subtle sensation, this fine shift in my being knew something else was going on here.

This fine subtle shift knew death had just cut in on the dance. I avoided it with more medicine, more treatments, more pills, more puffs, more struggle, more "fresh air" and more avoidance.

What was locked in my more conventional mind was that nothing was going on. "It's no big deal, don't worry, I'm fine. I've been here before. There's nothing to be worried about... just enjoy the vacation" I rehearsed to myself.

Over the next few days I got worse every day. Every few hours seemed to bring a step backward. Less of the normal life I wanted to have and more the constricted suffering I wanted to avoid. The more I treated my asthma the further I slipped towards death's powerful pull to dance.

My conventional mind constricted tightly around a belief that I was fine. I kept my back to death as I starred into life's eyes. Let's dance some more I demanded, gripped onto life's hands as the now odd dance continued.

New years eve arrived, the snow softly fell from the emptiness of the dark sky and we headed up into the mountains. My incessant drive to dance with life suddenly shifted into an exquisite play of vibrant moments. It was a clearing in the most unlikely of places. A taste of the "normal life" was mine to enjoy. I breathed in ease for the first time in days as I coasted long gentle ski slopes.

The soft silent snow, the breeze across my face and the immense stillness and contentment in my heart was exquisite. While the mountains were breathtaking, the surrounding lakes in the distance beautiful and the company warm and loving the most appreciated element was a cool effortless washing breath flowing in and out, in and out. No hit of tightness, no hit of the storm that had been brewing.

I knew from when I was a little child that my asthma would "take me." Something in me knew I would die from this. It wasn't a guess or a hunch, it was a knowing stemming from some unknown and unseen part of myself. This intuition was an unshakable certainty, I just didn't know when. But here it was knocking on the door and all I could do was deny. This isn't it. let's all pretend that this really isn't going to happen.

My day in the mountains came to a close and as it did my break from the downward spiral ended. My condition worsened and new years day brought with it life's all too common frantic avoidance of death. Panic flashed through my bodymind as I started to awaken to my condition.

It was a brief cutting full bodied flash. In this flash I heard myself saying "take me to the hospital."

I dulled it with relaxation, release and an intense focus on my breathing as my machine steamed medicine into my lungs. My subconscious mind rehearsed it's persistent argument: "Maybe, just maybe I'll turn this around after this treatment. Maybe something will change soon."

I completed my treatment and watched myself worsen by the minute. Left with no other course of action aside from acceptance I tried one more treatment. As I huddled over my machine wrenching air in and out of my lungs with heroic effort life's colorful vibrations faded away as I fell into death's arms. I reached out for help in desperation in my last moments, tears flowing freely until the I that I assumed to be me passed out.

Amidst the intense turmoil as I suffocated and fought for life's hand I found myself enveloped my the heaviest, deepest sense of emptiness and peace. A plunge into a relaxation that makes the best relaxation you've probably ever known seem stressful.

There was no energy expended, I mean that quite literally. When your body stops, your mind stops, your heart stops and an indescribable peace slowly settles in with a fullness, a richness and a completeness that's breath taking - literally. It's embrace is stunning as it fights nothing, accepts all and holds all of you all the same. The desperation of life's impulse to continue, the inevitability of cessation, the love of those around you and your resistance to leave. It's all OK.

As my lifeless body laid on the carpet, my pale oxygen deprived skin turned blue, then to a dull lifeless grey. The heavy dense, infinitely thick emptiness enveloping me was sliced through for a brief sliver of a moment. The sound of sirens sliced through this deepening peace to reach my awareness.

"ah, good they're here" was the very last thought belonging to my more conventional sense of self. After this my body, my awareness, my mind, my heart, nothing touched this known world of form - at least not from the vehicle of my more conventional sense of self.

The transcendent self can be defined as that which perceives yet its perception is no longer identified with nor grounded exclusively in the conventional body-mind.

As the paramedics furiously fought to save a young lifeless body with no vitals I'm in the process of remember my Self. I Recognize my Self, the one who came prior to the "Rob" who was born on October 30th 1977. I remember who I AM prior to this "life" that has just passed. I feel as though I've returned home, I realize I'm returning to something that's never been left.

Decades appear as short brief minutes amidst the Kosmic clock as life and death's dance continues; however, with a radical clarity I realize my "life" in the more conventional sense has been more of a "death" and this, yes this embrace of death shines forth as life, genuine vitality.

I remember Death is the plunge into a depth of life unfathomable to the conventional self.

My arms begin to extend, stretching outwards. My awareness follows as my arms continue to extend and dissolve into a radical embrace of manifestation. I sweep across mountains, forests and their brilliantly confident trees. In an instant become one with a loved one. I'm not their body, nor their mind in this moment. I hear their thoughts, I know their intentions, but I am their emotions coursing through their bodymind. I am their emotion - their basic energy-in-motion.

Here's to the emergent tree of life from which we all are fumbling towards the divine and to those who embrace the dance of life and death.